A Day in My Pants

As a work-from-home bohemian, one of the toughest questions I face each morning is What type of pants will I wear today?  Though my closet has a wide range of skirts, rompers, and men's checkered slacks, I usually end up with two options: a pair of blue skinny jeans or cozy pants.  Cozy pants range anywhere from baggy sweat pants to skin-tight yoga pants, and my decision to wear these usually stems from a mostly suppressed desire to work out, though oftentimes, they just make me too damn comfortable to get off my ass and onto my yoga mat.

To give you a better idea of how this unfortunate daily life choice can alter my productivity and overall mood, here are a couple examples of a day in my shoes pants:

Jeans Day

8am: Alarm goes off.  Crap, what day is it?  Should I go back to sleep?  Yeah, that sounds good. ZZZzzzzzzZZz.

8:36am: The sound of either a jack hammer or an alien invasion wakes me from a nightmare in which I’m getting a root canal from a puppy.  Phew, glad that’s over!  I get up and look out my window and into the bedroom of another couple next door, who are still asleep in bed.  Not fair!  

8:40am: Wow, did I really just spend four whole minutes spying on the neighbors in bed?  I scratch my head and after noticing the absence of my usual pillow-provoked morning bald spot, decide to skip showering; I quickly put on my skinny jeans and a white knit sweater I scored at a clothing swap my co-op hosted the week before.

8:45am: I whip up some eggs, throw them on a couple tortillas, and top with avocado and hot sauce.  This is a common breakfast in my 12-person co-op, and the lack of intense preparation allows me to read a couple of pages of my book about H.H. Holmes, a devilishly handsome serial killer from the late 1800s.

9:05am: I swipe on some eye shadow and put a couple drops of perfume on my wrists, before shuffling my phone's starred music playlist and head out.  Wait, where am I going?  Am I supposed to meet somebody?...No.  Pick up something?...No.  I guess I’ll go to the thrift store and find some more pants.

12pm: Wow, I can’t believe I just spent three hours looking at used cookware!  I'm suddenly famished and grab an Indian burrito to-go.

1pm: I open my computer and look over my to-do list.  How did I get so behind?!  I send generic emails to a colleague and my dad, before realizing I just told my dad that I’ll be at his baby shower and my colleague that I love her and  promise I’ll be a better daughter.

5pm: I look at the clock and calculate that I just wasted the rest of my workday looking at pictures of cute animals and reloading my Facebook homepage.  Disappointed in myself, I put on my shoes and head for the bar.  Today wasn’t a complete loss–I bought a cute new top AND managed to down three beers in thirty minutes!  Success is subjective, I guess.

Cozy Pants Day

7:55am: I wake a few minutes before my alarm sounds with an overwhelming urge to pee.  The closest bathroom is occupied and sounds similar to a woman in labor creep out from underneath the door and echo through the hallway.  Afraid of being anywhere near the delivery room, I grab a towel and head for the downstairs shower, where both my bladder and my oily skin feel simultaneous relief.

8:10am: I feel fresh, alive and motivated, and put on a pair of grey leggings, knee-high socks, and a t-shirt with some start-up’s logo; the only thing I know about the start-up is that they like high-quality cotton and geometric shapes, but I think that’s plenty of information to rationalize representing their product.

8:14am: I press some dark coffee beans and take a big mug of black coffee to my desk, where I respond to emails, read a couple of tech news articles I pretend to care about, and disgorge my most opinionated thoughts into my digital journal.  One thought develops into a more cohesive idea, and I begin to write a blog post.

11am: After a seemingly successful run of paragraphs, I begin to feel restless, and get out my yoga mat.  What should I listen to?  Aphex Twin will definitely get me pumped but Moby will make me feel centered. I get sidetracked and spend a good hour making a new music playlist entitled “Sweat Sounds.”

12:10pm: Oh shit, lunch time!   I roll up my unused yoga mat and head downstairs for a sandwich.  After failing yet again at working out, I decide to walk up the three flights of stairs to the roof, and consume my grilled cheese while looking at the San Francisco skyline.  I wonder if the people who live in a nearby building worked out today, and deep down, I really hope they didn’t.

12:45pm: I get back to my blog post, realize it’s a load of crap, and delete everything but one sentence I liked about the difference between jeans and cozy pants.  I think I might have something here!  I’m suddenly in a writing trance and fail to notice two missed calls on my phone.  Who calls people anymore?

5pm: 1,000 words later and I’m finally satisfied with my blog post.  I publish it on my website and share on Facebook, anticipating the four or so likes and couple of encouraging comments–usually from my boyfriend and my mom–that are enough inspiration for me to get up and try to do it again tomorrow.

Success is subjective, after all.